A Message From the Morale Officer

Hello! I am Princess Penelope Peaches, IV, PhD in Cuteness.  As a midshipman and Chief Morale Officer aboard The Intrepid Jerry, I was asked to introduce myself to our readers, so here we go…

First, my CV. I am seven years old, so I know my way around humans at this point. My PhD in Cuteness degree was awarded for my thesis work in perfecting the Backroll Twist: I roll on my back, stretching to my full length, twist my head a little, and claw at the air.  My research showed that this maneuver extracted the most sighs of approval, and threrfore the most Treats, from my humans. In fact, I employed this maneuver to get my humans to adopt me from the Humane Society 6 years ago.  It is my dream that, by spreading the Backroll Twist across the globe, more cats will get more treats, and then –> world peace. Here is a sample of my portfolio:

Cuteness Consultations

In the meantime I also offer my services as a Cuteness Consultant to other, less naturally gifted cats, such as my sister Catzia Dax. Catzia is now living on land while I live offshore. Time will tell if she retained any of my teachings. She was a challenging case.

Territory Troubles

When I was first adopted, I had no idea how weird the humans that adopted me were. Apparently not all cats’ humans change territories so often.

My first territory was apparently in something called a “rental” as my humans did a silly thing called “building a house.” Why wouldn’t they just go out and find a decent discarded cardboard box like I would – they’re everywhere!  At one point they stayed inside a lot more and would not give me my peace. I felt sorry for them, as they appeared to go to the vet often to get shots. Ugh! The only good thing about that time was that there was an incredible amount of cardboard boxes arriving in the mail every week. Then, we moved into my second territory, which consisted of big box next to a maze of plants and flowers the humans called a “native prairie planting”.  I loved my prairie territory and occasionally deigned to share it with my sister and my giant neighbor cat, Kenny. I would hone my cuteness techniques in the prairie by developing a leaping method when chasing bunnies that always made my humans race to take out the Three-Eyed Roadkill in their pockets and point it at me.  (I am not quite sure what that object is, but it is flat, doesn’t move on its own, and over the years they keep on increasing the number of eyes it has.) Here is a tip I offer the cats who take my Cuteness Course: Your goal is to get them to grab the Three-Eyed Roadkill and hold it up to you as much as possible. More treats!

Now I have a new territory, as two months ago my crazy humans moved yet again, this time to a small, Shiny White Box called a “catamaran”.  They sometimes call their house “Jerry”, which is more evidence of their weirdness, as my cat friends tell me that their normal humans do not name their homes. There are far fewer plants here, and it appears to be surrounded on all sides with water.  I like water because it sparkles, and sometimes fish fly out of it. However, this water must be dangerous, as half of my territory is surrounded by netting. Luckily, I have yet to be compelled to jump in the water, which is fine by me. I love that there are many places in this territory where I can bask in the sun.  I also love that there are so many compartments in this particular Box, and as soon as the Big Warm One that they call Greg opens up a wall revealing yet another room, I am right there, ready to explore.  This always causes the Wild Hairy Loon who they call Mel (and whom I hardly ever saw before recently) to squawk about strange things like “fiberglass dust” and “bilgewater”, which is always great fun.  At twilight I like to roam around and inspect my territory, which is small, but apparently all mine.

However, what I do NOT love is when my crazy humans feel compelled to move our house! There are two monsters on one side of the house that sometimes won’t stop roaring, and sometimes it is hard to walk around.  I think my humans need to learn how to make more stable flooring. When on the move, I like to hide somewhere where I am surrounded on all sides. My humans thankfully have gotten me plenty of scratchers, roosts, and even a small house to hide in. I think they feel guilty about their inability to construct a stable domicile.  When we finally stop, my territory looks different. There are even different sounds and smells. When we first moved to the Shiny White Box, I was thrown off every time my territory changed.  In fact, I even stopped eating the special food I was used to that kept me from farting. However, I learned resilience while obtaining my doctorate, and I am getting used to all of the change.  My humans are hopeful I will stop farting someday.

It especially helps that I have a purpose and feel appreciated as a valued member of the team. As Morale Officer, my duties include snuggling with the Big Warm One and the Wild Hairy Loon, especially in the evenings.  I also hang out under their feet when they are up in the middle of the night looking at the giant wheel thingy when the Box is moving.  Working at night must be upsetting to them, as usually that is MY time to be awake and exploring. But at least the need to perform my duties distracts me from being upset about the moving floor!

I am still getting used to this “Jerry” Box.  However, just as I offer cuteness lessons to other cats, I can learn from the lessons of others. The Wild Hairy Loon will occasionally read me stories of the adventures of other “seafaring” cats. These cats have come to love their moving boxes, which I am gradually doing.

My inspiration:

My plan now is to study my inspiration cats diligently, and perhaps one day I will get my second PhD, in Seacatting. I will keep you posted.

Fair Meows, Dr. Penelope