Theseus’s Ship Ventures into the Arctic

Mel hasn’t written much lately. Her fingers are frozen.

She recently went through the exciting experience of learning something new. What did she learn? This phrase, which she has shared with those who have expressed concern about their current location, is absolute BS:  “We lived ten years in Minnesota.  We know what it’s like to be cold.” 

Nope.

The batteries in Mel’s dubiously heated socks just died. That means, if so inclined, she can gaze upon her toes and view a progression of color changes elsewhere experienced in nature during sunsets. This is called Raynaud’s, which is one reason Mel does not do winter sports.

So living in a fiberglass catamaran in New England in the fall should be considered a winter sport.

The Burnetts’ faith in their Hurricane Season Plan falters every time they awaken and their butts contact a toilet seat that must have spent the night partying on Mars. Nevertheless, it is renewed whenever they update themselves on the progress of Hurricane Melissa.  The cold waters surrounding Jerry at the moment are a good hurricane deterrent.  Mixed emotions.

Nevertheless, they are cogitating going South for warmer climes, eventually.  Frustratingly, hurricane season does not end until Nov 30. In the meantime, they are back in Newport Harbor, which is a good base for GSD: Getting Shit Done. After all, the sole US Defender brick-and-mortar store is just down the road. The Burnetts have gone to Defender so often that Skip, Dale, and Julia welcome them like family. We are thrilled your Halloween-themed birthday party for your daughter went well, Julia!

What kind of things are the Burnetts getting done? Everything. Just everything. They are still prepping Jerry for his future foray into areas devoid of Amazon lockers and free shipping.  This is a big ask, since Jerry is about 8 years old.  Eight years is a special number for boats. Any metal, even “stainless” steel, tends to fail after eight years in saltwater.  So Jerry is essentially middle-aged, and therefore, to preserve the look and function of youth, he needs some work done. Middle-aged Mel is luckier than Jerry, as according to the internet, all she has to do to preserve her youth is to apply hundreds of dollars of facial goo, stretch and lift weights, and eat a bucket of protein sprinkled with Chia seeds every day. Jerry, however, needs things replaced. Especially anything that: 1. Has complexity, 2. Has metal in it, 3. Has life-saving potential, and 4. Keeps Mel blissfully unaware of how plumbing works.

The serial replacement of Jerry’s parts brings up the philosophical conundrum of the Ship of Theseus. The puzzle goes like this. If, over the years, every board in the boat is gradually replaced with a new one, is it truly the same boat at the end of the day? Philosophers claim that this question is a paradox that brings up all sorts of questions about what defines identity. Many big brains have weighed in on the issue. However, to Mel, this “paradox” smells a lot like something a clever person would cook up in order to get out of doing any real philosophy. I’m looking at you, Plutarch! Because there is only one obvious answer here, if you actually know anything about boats. You see, there is no such object as “Theseus’s boat” in the first place.  Within seconds of leaving the factory or yard, every boat is constantly altered. Just ask Theseus’s bosun, or peruse the Leopard 48 Owner’s WhatsApp group! There is therefore no fixed identity to preserve! The boat projects have no beginning, and they have no end. Navigo, ergo sum!

Okay, the above paragraph is probably Mel’s brain’s attempt to steal any residual warmth from her limbs by being the most metabolically needy. She hopes the confusion generated by reading that last paragraph warms your brain as well as it did hers. Now go drink some weird-ass anti-aging tea before you fall apart!

Don’t go yet! Mel’s brain is so frozen she almost forgot to tell you the exciting news! Recently the Burnetts took a break from patching up Jerry to drive to Boston to the PRX Podcast Garage. Greg brought a case against Mel before the great Judge John Hodgman! It’s about a cruising conundrum. It’s not out yet, but we’ll let you know when the episode airs! Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Only one can decide!